Diane and I connected due to our shared love of comedy and fantasy football. She attributes her unique and off-kilter take on fantasy football to her being “off her meds.” If there is a funnier, more irreverent fantasy sports writer than Diane, it’s news to her. — Jay
Did you know an NFL player gets arrested every 23 seconds? That’s right. In the time it takes you to read this Pulitzer-winning article, over 3,500 NFL players will be incarcerated. How can this help you gain an advantage during your fantasy football draft? There are several practical applications that can lead to fantasy glory.
1. DON’T draft players who are currently serving time in prison.
No matter how much you love his chemistry with Tom Brady, Aaron Hernandez is NOT A GOOD PICK. No matter how often he does push-ups or reads the playbook during his time in the Bristol County House of Correction, Hernandez has little fantasy value. Unless your league rewards players for shanking inmates or brewing prison wine, there is little chance Mr. Hernandez will help your team this season.
Is Rae Carruth on your draft day cheat sheet? If so, remove him immediately. Carruth has been in jail since 2001 after being found guilty of conspiracy to murder a woman who was pregnant with his child. He is scheduled to be released in 2018, so unless there’s an almost-completed tunnel to freedom behind his Rita Hayworth poster, don’t look for Carruth to have much fantasy impact in 2014. Currently, Carruth holds value in only the deepest of dynasty leagues that award bonuses for rostering future 44-year-old ex-convicts.
2. Continuously monitor Twitter, Deadspin and your local police bandwidth during your draft.
If Le’Veon Bell and LeGarrette Blount have taught us anything, it’s that “Le’Veon” and “LeGarrette” are actual human names. They’ve also shown us that football players need to leave Cheech and Chong impressions to trained thespians.
On a fantasy level, these two half-baked running backs might have already ruined your draft. The reports of their arrests surfaced just as many were selecting Bell in the second round of their draft. Although it’s takes FOREVER for the NFL to handle disciplinary matters, you’d have to be high to use a top pick on a player who could possibly see a suspension in 2014.
So how can you avoid selecting the NFL’s next Harold or Kumar? If you’ve heard of “the Internet,” you’re halfway there. The Internet is full of information about many things – INCLUDING FOOTBALL! If you use this World Wide Web to continuously monitor the legal status of each and every professional football player, you can avoid watching your draft go up in smoke
3. Send opposing players directly to jail. Do not pass “Go.” Do not collect $200.
There’s only one thing as rewarding during a fantasy season as watching your players stay out of jail, and that’s watching your opponent’s players get arrested. This will probably happen on its own, but why not help speed up the process?
Get involved immediately by framing opposing players for crimes they didn’t commit. Fill their trunks up with pure crystal meth, replace the diamonds in their Super Bowl rings with blood diamonds, kill a neighbor and blame the murder on former Harvard quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick. The sky is the limit! Secrecy and execution are quite important in this process, and always remember not to leave any fingerprints.
4. Stay out of prison.
If you’re planning on framing your opponents’ players, you have to be super careful. Keeping yourself out of prison is essential to a strong fantasy strategy. Between group showers, cafeteria riots and forced sexual acts, you will not have much time to manage your team in prison. Remember, there’s nothing more difficult than juggling your fantasy football responsibilities with being Aaron Hernandez’s bitch.
Diane Sevenay is a writer and comedian who claims that she “invented the internet.” Follow her immediately on Twitter at @diane_7a or face dire consequences.