The 6 Most Essentially Essential Football Lists of 2014 – A Special from Diane Sevenay

I’m so ready for football, I could take a bunch of “Molly” with suspended Broncos receiver Wes Welker.  I mean, the rapidly approaching fantasy football season is more welcome than a nude picture of Jennifer Lawrence.  What I’m trying to say is that I’ve got a fever, and the only prescription is pro football.

Black Sports Online
Black Sports Online

Although I can’t get enough of the NFL, I have had enough of looking at preseason lists. You know what I’m talking about: “Top Quarterbacks,” “Late Round Sleepers,” “Best Backup Running Backs on Rainy Thursdays After Thanksgiving.”  At some point, fantasy footballers like myself have to figure out which lists are actually relevant. So, without further ado, here are the six most essentially essential football lists of 2014.

Most “Sexual” Football Position:

  1. Tight End
  2. Wide Receiver
  3. Nose Guard
  4. Tailback
  5. Anal
Best Name:
  1. HaHa Clinton-Dix: It’s as if he’s laughing at his own penis joke.
  2. Ndamukong Suh: This gentleman’s parents just named him a bunch of letters.  He’s the reason I plan on naming my firstborn “qX8ccc$i%.”
  3. Guy Whimper: In English, his name translates to “Crying Man.”
  4. Frostee Rucker: Might he be the illegitimate child of Hootie and the Blowfish and a snowman?
  5. Fozzy Whittaker: Man or Muppet?
Best Touchdown Dance:
  1. Nicki Minaj’s Anaconda
  2. “The Elaine” from Seinfeld
  3. “The Kevin Bacon” from Footloose
  4. “The Tom Cruise” from Risky Business
  5. “The Carlton” from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
Most Racist:
  1. Riley Cooper
  2. Paula Deen
  3. Donald Sterling
  4. Mel Gibson
  5. Adolf Hitler

Best Manning:

1.  Peyton Manning
2.  Archie Manning
3. & 4.  Anyone named “Manning” except
5.  Eli Manning

Most Ethnically Offensive Team Name:
  1. Redskins
  2. Redskins
  3. Redskins
  4. Redskins
  5. Redskins

Diane Sevenay, a friend to The Scoop, is a writer and comedian who claims that she “invented the Internet.”  Follow her immediately on Twitter at @diane_7a or face dire consequences. Check out all of The Scoop’s great content, including more Fantasy Football snark, at!

A note from Fantasy Lead, Jay Marks: Diane and I connected due to our shared love of comedy and fantasy football. She attributes her unique and off-kilter take on fantasy football to her being “off her meds.” If there is a funnier, more irreverent fantasy sports writer than Diane, it’s news to her. 


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s