I’m so ready for football, I could take a bunch of “Molly” with suspended Broncos receiver Wes Welker. I mean, the rapidly approaching fantasy football season is more welcome than a nude picture of Jennifer Lawrence. What I’m trying to say is that I’ve got a fever, and the only prescription is pro football.
Although I can’t get enough of the NFL, I have had enough of looking at preseason lists. You know what I’m talking about: “Top Quarterbacks,” “Late Round Sleepers,” “Best Backup Running Backs on Rainy Thursdays After Thanksgiving.” At some point, fantasy footballers like myself have to figure out which lists are actually relevant. So, without further ado, here are the six most essentially essential football lists of 2014.
Most “Sexual” Football Position:
- Tight End
- Wide Receiver
- Nose Guard
- HaHa Clinton-Dix: It’s as if he’s laughing at his own penis joke.
- Ndamukong Suh: This gentleman’s parents just named him a bunch of letters. He’s the reason I plan on naming my firstborn “qX8ccc$i%.”
- Guy Whimper: In English, his name translates to “Crying Man.”
- Frostee Rucker: Might he be the illegitimate child of Hootie and the Blowfish and a snowman?
- Fozzy Whittaker: Man or Muppet?
- Nicki Minaj’s Anaconda
- “The Elaine” from Seinfeld
- “The Kevin Bacon” from Footloose
- “The Tom Cruise” from Risky Business
- “The Carlton” from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
- Riley Cooper
- Paula Deen
- Donald Sterling
- Mel Gibson
- Adolf Hitler
1. Peyton Manning
2. Archie Manning
3. & 4. Anyone named “Manning” except
5. Eli Manning
Diane Sevenay, a friend to The Scoop, is a writer and comedian who claims that she “invented the Internet.” Follow her immediately on Twitter at @diane_7a or face dire consequences. Check out all of The Scoop’s great content, including more Fantasy Football snark, at TheScoopZone.com!
A note from Fantasy Lead, Jay Marks: Diane and I connected due to our shared love of comedy and fantasy football. She attributes her unique and off-kilter take on fantasy football to her being “off her meds.” If there is a funnier, more irreverent fantasy sports writer than Diane, it’s news to her.