Week 7 is in the books.
And I don’t mean to brag, but … it was my first undefeated week of the season. Though my fantasy football brags may not be as top-shelf as @TheDailyTay‘s, I’ll take an undefeated fake football weekend … especially when I survived starting Matt Ryan in two leagues. Thank you, Demaryius Thomas, DeMarco Murray and Roddy White.
- Fear the Beard(s)
This week, I think I’m most proud of the results in my Duck Dynasty Points Per Beard (PPB) league, where it all came down to a classic Monday Night Football clash for the ages.
Ryan Fitzpatrick and his Ivy League beard versus the Steelers DST, of course led by PPB veteran, the legendary Brett Keisel.
Oh, the drama. I’m certain you can feel said drama emanating through your computer screen / device as you read. By now, you know how it went down; Keisel’s classic facial furniture—and his 4th quarter interception—overcame Fitztragic’s younger, less experienced face fuzz—and his early MNF prowess—to prevail in this battle for the ages.
[Note: There is no Duck Dynasty Points Per Beard league. At least that I know of. But if there is one, I need to be all over it. Especially since my own personal stubble project has finally eclipsed the peach fuzz stage. It’s no @JFOH_Razzball, with his impressive display of chin bristles. But at least my goals are set high. I want to be Jack Full of Hate when I grow up.]
[Note Part Deux: If you really needed my assurances in that first note, then you probably don’t need to read my stuff.]
- Did You #GetPercy’d?
I don’t mean to brag, but I do revel in the fact that I am obviously the catalyst behind the shocking Percy Harvin trade from Seattle to the J-E-T-S.
After all, I have taken to the campaign trail, launching nationwide support groups for anyone and everyone who can claim, #IGotPercy’d. After fantasy-relevant calls / non-calls in Weeks 2 and 5 cost countless fantasy owners wins, some owners—ahem—cried foul, or #IGotPercy’d. Hence, the nationwide revolution was activated. And friends, as it is a political voting year, take time to show your support by using this hashtag early and often. Because, if you think about it, this proclamation is now a legitimate battle cry for fantasy owners (myself and … well, there must be at least another one), entire NFL franchises (Seattle? The Vikings?) and even other real football players (Golden Tate?). Or does that last one just put a black-eye on this whole story? I don’t mean to brag, but … #SeeWhatIDidThere? Friends, I am #ClipboardJaysus, and I support this message.
- It Hurts When You Get Buffalo’d
You may recall that before the start of the 2013 season, the Bills coaching staff famously cautioned or bragged to whomever would listen—granted, most who cared are fake footballers like you and I—that they would allow CJ Spiller to tote the rock until he threw up. Well, you’ve heard the famous saying ‘A year late and an ailment short’ (or … something like that).
They did allow Spiller to run until he … broke his collarbone. You say vomit, I say fractured skeletal mass. It does suck for Clifford Spiller, Jr. [You know me. I like to employ nicknames whenever possible. In this case, however, I’m going all reverse nickname on you, using his given—and generally unfamiliar—name.] Spiller’s window of capturing that Buffalo backfield had just opened, with a multi-week injury to venerable teammate Fred Jackson occurring previously in Sunday’s game. Said window then immediately slammed shut. The subsequent window has now slightly cracked open for either of that dynamic duo of Bryce Brown or Anthony Dixon. Can either take the ball and run? And then regurgitate? Let’s hope the TV cameras don’t capture that.
- What the Helfet?
Gavin Escobar, Cooper Helfet, Jeff Cumberland, Daniel Fells, Lance Kendricks. What is this list, you ask? The final contestants on The Bachelor? The newest reincarnation of ‘N Sync? Ladies and gentlemen, I present half of your Top 10 fantasy TEs for Week 7 (standard scoring). Granted, Jimmy Graham was effectively PUP (Physically Unable to Perform), but otherwise, the normal TE crop was in play. They (several of them) just didn’t actually show up to play. Who was not in this week’s Top 10? Gronk, The Big Weirdo (Martellus Bennett), Jordan Reed, Orange Julius, Delanie Walker and Jordan Cameron. As @Pat_Thorman said …
(More) Stats That Make You Go Hmmmm
Any given Sunday, people. Any given Sunday.
- QB: Philip Rivers, who entered the week as the #2 overall fantasy score through six weeks, finished as the #47 scorer for Week 7. He finished with fewer points this week than the Jaguars and the Vikings DST. Read that again.
- QB Part Deux: Matt Ryan, Jay Cutler, Andy Dalton were each outscored by Charlie Whitehurst. What, you thought I’d get through a column without touting my boy, #ClipboardJesus?
- RB: Denard Robinson and Stepfan Taylor finished Top 9 for RB rankings this week, ahead of Jamaal Charles, Andre Ellington and Arian Foster.
- RB Part Deux: Tre Mason (14.5), who was inactive through the first five weeks of the year, scored more than combined scores of Marshawn Lynch (7.1), Alfred Morris (5.4) and Giovani Bernard (1.6).
- WR: Julio Jones (5.6) barely cracked the Top 50 for WR’s and finished at #162 in fantasy scoring. Who said offensive line doesn’t matter?
- WR Part Deux: The stud Bears WR combo of Brandon Marshall (4.8) and Alshon Jeffery (0.9) totaled less fantasy points than did Carolina’s Brenton Bersin (8.1). Uh. Wow.
The aforementioned Cooper Helfet (12.1), Seattle’s 3rd string tight end—this pic is for you, ladies—scored more fantasy points than Martellus Bennett (5.8), Julius Thomas (2.7), Delanie Walker (1.7), Heath Miller (1.3) and Jordan Cameron (0.5) combined.
Shhhh … Let’s Keep It Our Little Secret
Soooo, I was wrong.
- I thought Matt Ryan “may just toss a couple of TD’s and 250 yards” on Sunday. He threw for 228 and a TD. Oh, he also lost a fumble. Sigh.
- Of Justin Forsett, I said, “there’s a good chance he scores, and big, this Sunday.” Unfortunately, Forsett did not score, and finished with only 9.5 points.
My Arm CAN Reach Around To Pat Myself On The Back
Yessssss, I was right!
- I said Raider Andre Holmes would “come back to earth.” After a 24-point Week 6 game, Holmes scored only 3.4, finishing outside the Top 60 WRs.
- Justin Hunter had averaged nearly 12 standard points per game in his previous two games. I didn’t think that could continue. He caught one pass for 6 yards. Crickets.
So, if you want to brag, tweet us your best Week 7 accomplishment, and we’ll retweet it for the world to hear. And remember, friends, stay strong, show kindness and have NO RAGRETS.
Jay Marks is the Fantasy Football Lead for The Scoop. Follow him on Twitter at @FFHottieAsst.