All posts by thescoopcontent

10 Possible Replacements for Arian Foster

She’s back. We honestly can’t get rid of her. She keeps showing up on our doorstep, trying to look through the peephole to see if we’re home. We think she might also be following us around town. We figure if she’s gonna be here, might as well let her keep writing. That’s right, Diane Sevenay has another very serious and factual sports breakdown to share.


I’m not sure who received worse news about his groin this week, Arian Foster or Lenny Kravitz.  But while all Kravitz needs to do is buy a pair of pants that fit, the Houston Texans have a much tougher road ahead as they attempt to replace Foster.  Reports say that Pierre Thomas turned down the Texans’ offer to join their backfield, and this leaves Houston with only a 14-year-old girl and a department-store mannequin to play running back this year.  However, there can be help on the way if the Texans decide to bring in one of these possible replacements:

1. Ashton Kutcher – If he replaced Charlie Sheen, he can replace Arian Foster.

Us Magazine
Us Magazine

2. OJ Simpson – Pros: Outstanding slasher with a killer instinct. Cons: He’s a 68-year-old man who’s currently in prison.

Splash News
Splash News

3. Ronda Rousey – Who in their right mind would attempt to tackle Ronda Rousey?  Sign her, Houston, or she’ll beat you up.

Associated Press
Associated Press

4. Jason Pierre-Paul’s index finger – This finger was an NFL star once, and it could be again if given an opportunity.

jason-pierre-paul-happy-gilmore

5. Rudy – Could there be a better story than RUDY leading the Texans to the Super Bowl?  Yes, Rudy Ruettiger is a 66-year-old man who wasn’t very good at football when he played at Notre Dame in the 1970s, but nothing can stop this guy once he sets his mind to something.

RudyRuettiger.co
RudyRuettiger.co

6. Michael Strahan – Since joining “LIVE with Kelly and Michael,” this former NFL superstar has had people saying, “Regis who?”

Us Magazine
Us Magazine

7. Groot – He’d be the first sentient tree in the NFL.  Make this happen, Texans.

Marvel Studios
Marvel Studios

8. Donald Trump – He swears he’ll make America great.  Why not start with Houston?

LM Otero
LM Otero

9. Jim Thorpe – Pros: Thorpe is one of history’s greatest athletes and football players. Cons: He has been dead for over 60 years.

Sioux City Journal
Sioux City Journal

10. Batman – He’s not the hero Houston deserves, but the one it needs right now.

DC Entertainment
DC Entertainment

Diane Sevenay, a friend to The Scoop, is a writer and comedian who claims that she “invented the Internet.”  Follow her immediately on Twitter at @diane_7a or face dire consequences.

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10 Things Tom Brady Can Do While Serving His Suspension

Unless you’re living under a rock, you’ve probably heard that Tom Brady‘s four-game suspension has been upheld by the NFL.  Love him or hate him, we’ll miss Brady when he’s not on the field.  But let’s see this from Brady‘s point of view.  Every September since he was a young boy, he has been living and breathing football.  What is he going to do without an extremely deflated football in his hand and a game to win?  How can he fill this emptiness in his heart?  What can Tom Brady do while serving his suspension?

1. Be obscenely and arrogantly wealthy. This will be pretty easy for you to accomplish, Tom.  Instead of buying a car, buy 15.  Why just settle for a swimming pool that wraps around your house when you can also have one in your kitchen?  Or two…

tom gisele house

2. Sleep with your ridiculously good-looking model wife. You know you want to, Tom.  Now’s your chance!

gisele swimsuit

3. Run for public office. Do I see a Trump-Brady ticket in your future?

trump hair

4. Get a makeover. A new hairstyle and a snazzy new wardrobe can add up to a WHOLE NEW Tom Brady.

tom gisele

5. Write the great American novel. I’m thinking Gronk fan fiction.  Because EVERYONE loves Gronk fan fiction.

gronk book

6. Take up another sport. You’re already the Michael Jordan of football.  Now be the Michael Jordan of BASEBALL!

jordan baseball

7. Start filming “Ted 3.” According to Ted the teddy bear, “Tom Brady is a f*cking wicked awesome actor.”

ted movie

8. Start a feud with Drake and/or Nicki Minaj. You know you want to, Tom…

drake pats meme

9. Write season 3 of “True Detective.” Because it can’t be any worse than season 2.

brady belichick

10. Learn how to stop cheating at football. I know it’s going to be tough, but you can do it.  I think…

Tom Brady Crying


Diane Sevenay, a friend to The Scoop, is a writer and comedian who claims that she “invented the Internet.”  Follow her immediately on Twitter at @diane_7a or face dire consequences.

When LeSean McCoy Says “Females Only”

Diane Sevenay returns, reluctantly, to share a filthy, yet factual, account of LeSean McCoy‘s party lifestyle. Well, at least we think it’s factual. Hell, it’s probably not. Eff it. We need the page views. We should probably also warn you about a couple of mature topics within this article. Don’t read this to your kiddies before naptime. Or ever, really.


Instagram
Instagram

The Buffalo Bills traded for running back LeSean “Shady” McCoy to bring a little “heat” to their backfield.  However, this week’s news was not what the Bills had in mind. Multiple media outlets reported that McCoy posted an invitation to a private “females only” party, and the general response was disgust.  Well, not to brag or anything, but I happened to attend McCoy‘s party last year, so maybe I could shine a light on what “Shady” is all about.

I received the invitation last July.  Females only?  That could mean only one thing: ORGY.  Of course I was interested.  I put on my best orgy outfit, laced up my fanciest orgy shoes, and I put on my prettiest orgy smile.  I was totally ready to put more than several penises inside me.  Yup, it was just like any Saturday night.

So, I get there, and there’s more security than I’ve ever seen.  I have to give them several DNA samples, some “stem cells,” and all of my Social Security and banking information.  This was a small price to pay for what was to be the wildest night of my life.

I can remember walking into the club; you could only imagine what I saw.  Women as far as the eye can see, doing things that I didn’t even know existed…Spa treatments, facials, homeopathic massage.  There was an omelette station that featured fresh organic kale.  A Pilates class was in full swing.  Sara Bareilles played piano.  And in the center of it all, LeSean McCoy released a flock of doves flying in a formation that spelled out the word “FEMALE.”

@JamieSportsTalk
@JamieSportsTalk

I soon found myself exchanging recipes with former U.S. Secretary of State Madeliene Albright and Barbara Walters.  I enjoyed a soy latte with Angelina Jolie.  I was transfixed when Hillary Clinton took the stage and spoke about female empowerment.  I laughed uncontrollably at the comedic stylings of Ellen DeGeneres.  Then I finally I got what I came for: a little one-on-one time with LeSean McCoy.

@JamieSportsTalk
@JamieSportsTalk

He told me his heroes were Susan B. Anthony, Gloria Steinem, and his mother.  He said that his nickname “Shady” came from how he loved to pick flowers on a shady autumn day.  He said that he wished men could become pregnant; he yearned to have a life grow inside him.  He read from his favorite Maya Angelou poem, and I held him as he wept.

I can only hope the young women who attend this year’s party have the same transcendent experience I was lucky enough to have.  There is no more important feminist icon today than LeSean “Shady” McCoy.


Diane Sevenay, a friend to The Scoop, is a writer and comedian who claims that she “invented the Internet.”  Follow her immediately on Twitter at @diane_7a or face dire consequences.

A Lifetime of Memories

This is a special contribution from The Scoop’s Founder, Jamie Kelly. Listen to her on The Scoop Radio every Monday & Wednesday night from 9-11pm CDT on KTSR-db, part of the Texas Sports Review Radio Network.


This week has been an emotional week for me. Today, my childhood hero and the best athlete I’ve ever seen finally takes his place among the greatest to ever wear the green and gold.

My story goes far beyond football. This is a story about a father and daughter brought immeasurably closer by the common bond of football, and watching a legend cement his place in history before our eyes.

In the 1980s, if your favorite team happened to be in another market, you had to go to some lengths to watch them on television every week. Especially if your favorite team was, shall we say, awful. My dad, being the techie geek that he was, went out and got us a home satellite dish. He mounted the large, cumbersome monstrosity on a wooden pallet, and positioned it carefully in the backyard between the sandbox and the swingset.

Sundays were part magic and part dumb luck. Dad would go out into the backyard, weather be damned, and lay under the dish, moving it ever-so-slightly in each direction, while I stood in front of the television and shouted every time the black and white fuzz showed glimmers of green and gold.

One Sunday in 1992, like many other Sundays, Dad & I were gathered around the TV watching Don Majkowski try to once again pull a rabbit out of his hat. The Packers were down 31-3 to the Bucs, and the Majik Man was sent to the bench for the entire second half. In came some wide-eyed kid named Favre. “Fa-ver? Fa-vrah? Fav-ray?” Hell, nobody knew how to pronounce his name. Nobody cared either. His first pass as a Packer was a completion to himself for a loss of 7 yards.

The following week, Majkowski went down, and the legend of Favre began. After four fumbles and a frenzied Lambeau crowd chanting for Ty Detmer, he led the Packers to a 24-23 win over the Cincinnati Bengals.

What followed was a lifetime of memories. From the scrambling to the ill-advised passes to the interceptions to the Super Bowl to the retirement(s), Favre took us on a journey that will never be forgotten.

The pinnacle took place on a cool and rainy day in November 2001. By a pure stroke of luck, Dad and I found ourselves waiting outside the ticket office at Lambeau Field for the players’ tickets to be released. Through a mutual friend from Baylor, I had been put in touch with Santana Dotson, who left us two tickets for a game against the Atlanta Falcons.

The nerves were building as game time approached, and our tickets still hadn’t materialized. Had we made the long trek from Texas for nothing? Would we end up listening to the sounds of Lambeau from the parking lot? Dad and I both tried to keep our cool, but we both knew that panic was starting to set in.

Finally, the players’ tickets were released, and we headed into the building that we had only seen on television, not knowing or caring where our seats were. We were truly just happy to be there. That first glimpse of the somewhat soggy tundra was breathtaking. We stood in one of the breezeways and took it all in, replaying memories of games gone by. Making our way through the sights, sounds, and smells of game day at Lambeau, we soon realized that we had the best seats in the house: second row, 50-yard line behind the Packers bench.

It didn’t even matter to us that the day ended with a loss. It was the adventure of a lifetime, our trip to Graceland, and the memories will never die. This love affair with the Green Bay Packers, which has been made so exciting by the presence of a kid from Mississippi, was made to last.

Here I sit today with my own little Packer Backer, sharing with her the stories of that gunslinger who stole our hearts. Yes he’s a flawed man. Yes he made mistakes. But who are we to judge the mistakes of others? His pure joy in playing a kid’s game is what made us love him, and that joy is what the world will remember.

Thanks for a lifetime of memories, 4.


Jamie Kelly is the Founder of The Scoop, and hosts The Scoop Radio every Monday & Wednesday night on KTSR-db, part of the Texas Sports Review Radio Network. Follow her on Twitter @JamieSportsTalk.

 

The NFL Needs to Take a Hard Look at Itself

USATSI
USATSI

Since The Scoop Radio is taking the night off for the CFB Championship game, we won’t be on the air to talk about the controversy surrounding Dez Bryant’s catch at Lambeau yesterday. However, Jake Runey had a few things to say. Follow him on Twitter at @JakeRuney.


In response to the fans who say “poetic justice”, “karma”, etc. in response to the overturned call in yesterday’s Cowboys-Packers game:
The flag picked up last week against Detroit couldn’t be reviewed. That’s the rule of the game. The officials got together and decided it was in fact not a penalty, and picked up the flag. I think if they did get under the hood, they would have decided there were offsetting penalties and to replay the down.
In yesterday’s game, the play was called a catch on the field. This was a challengeable play, and therefore was challenged. This gave the refs and the league all the time they wanted to make the correct call. Every camera angle possible to make the correct call. Every rule within the book to make the correct call. They failed to make the right call. 
The league certainly has to review this and investigate its own staff. This is now added to a long list of failures in the commissioner’s painful year.
It’s all over now. Yes, there is a rule that allows the commissioner to overturn the call and restart the game from that point, but that will never happen. The fate of the Dallas Cowboys was left in the hands of the officials and their opinion of what a “common football move” is.
Sports in general have grown too big for the people who run it. So much relies on a single play that in no way should they ever have the power to decide on based on opinion.
The call on the field should have been allowed to stand based on the fact that there was no indisputable evidence to overturn the call. If there is even the slightest idea or thought that he could have made a lunge, or an extra step, the call should have stood. Period.

Fight: Saying Goodbye to Stuart Scott

This is a special contribution from CEO & Founder, Jamie Kelly.

A giant fell today. One of my heroes. A man whose story would become more important to me than I could have ever imagined.

Stuart Scott died today.

USATSI
USATSI

When Stuart Scott came onto the national scene, he brought a fun, never-heard-before voice to sports broadcasting. As a working sports television journalist in the late 1990s, there were a handful of personalities from whom I drew inspiration; Scott and his ESPN colleague Chris Berman were the voices I identified with the most. They just seemed to have fun with every moment, making every stat and recap seem electric, and making me laugh even when my team had suffered a crushing blow.

I tried to emulate that spirit during my three-year stint on Soccer News USA, which aired on Fox Sports Southwest and the Pax Network. I wanted the viewers at home to feel my energy through the screen, and to know that I loved every second of my time with them each week. While the show didn’t survive for the long-haul, that inspiration never died. Here we are nearly 20 years later, and I still hear Stuart Scott cracking jokes in my mind when we go on the air for The Scoop Radio on Monday nights.

But that’s not where the story ends for me. This is personal.

When the news of Scott’s passing came out this morning, I was laying in bed feeling sorry for myself because I couldn’t grip my coffee cup… again. This is fairly normal for someone with Fibromyalgia; I drop things pretty regularly because my hands just “let go.” That part frustrates the hell out of me. I remember falling to pieces in a crying, snotty, lump of human being when I dropped one of my daughter’s bottles during a middle-of-the-night feeding when she was an infant.

My body is my worst enemy. Some days I have difficulty dressing myself. Some days I’ll be driving in my own neighborhood and have to pull over and collect my thoughts to figure out where I am. Many days are good, but the vast majority are not. That’s where Scott inspired me once again. Even when he was fighting the battle of his life, he went on camera and made us smile. I watched him religiously, and sat in awe, wondering how he drew the strength to share himself with the world, when he was struggling so mightily in his personal life. It would be so much easier to shut down and shut the world out, something I have done more times than I care to admit.

IMG_8509

When I became a parent a few years ago, I knew immediately where the drew his strength from. I never felt more connected to a man I’d never met than when he spoke of his daughters. I finally got it. When you’re a parent, it’s not about you anymore. You fight not for yourself, but for a little human who thinks you hung the moon.

As I laid in my bed feeling sorry for myself for having yet another rough day, the news of Scott’s passing was a crushing blow. It was the last thing any of us wanted to hear this morning. Yes, I cried. And cried. And am still crying. But just as quickly as the tears came, the determination stormed in.  Fibromyalgia sucks, but cancer? Cancer?! I could picture that signature Stuart Scott smirk as I told myself, “GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, GIRL!

ESPN
ESPN

Stuart Scott may be gone, but the gifts he gave us will never die. Inspiration lives within your soul and becomes part of your fabric. His legacy to all of us is that he taught us how to fight. And fight, I will.


Jamie Kelly is the Founder and CEO of The Scoop, and host of The Scoop Radio on Monday nights on KTSR. Follow her on Twitter at @JamieSportsTalk.

 

 

Friday’s First and Ten — Week 7

If you’ve read any of my stuff with any regularity, you know I’m a sucker for a salty nickname. I especially love some of the more random, humorous or enigmatic names thrust upon NFL players, such as:

  • Doug Martin: Muscle Hamster

    pixgood.com
    pixgood.com
  • Kyle Orton: Uncle Rico
  • Darren Sproles: Half-Size Hummer
  • Martellus Bennett: Orange Dino
  • JJ Watt: The Milkman
  • Ryan Fitzpatrick: Fitzmagic … or Fitztragic (oft-times, changing from one play to the next)

I’ve had my fair share of nicknames over the years. When just a little tot, I apparently scooted my little body around the carpet at home … so naturally, I was Scooter. As a budding baseball star—a shortstop—in my teen years, I was deemed Hoover. Why, you ask? I apparently had the reputation of being able to scoop up everything in my general vicinity. And for those unaware, a Hoover is / was (?) a brand of vacuums. And, of course, I’ve recently been known as the FFDude, The Pool Boy and now #ClipboardJaysus.

Add one more to my growing list of monikers … Stat Nerd. Today’s TGIFFF (Thank God It’s Fantasy Football Friday) column is me going all fantasy football and statistics geek on you. Check it.


  1.  Matty Ice … Ice Cold?  

In the three outdoor road games Matt Ryan has played thus far this year, he’s thrown 5 TDs and 6 INTs.

Pinterest
Pinterest

Additionally, his completion percentage in those games is less than a 60% average. Where does he play this week? Outdoors. In Baltimore. With a severely banged up offensive line. Add in that the Ravens have given up only two passing TDs at home this year, and the 3rd fewest points in real football this year. So that Ice in Matty’s nickname just got a bit more chilly. He’ll face a stiff test to get it done. And yet … I’m going with my gut against the grain. I have this feeling he may just toss a couple of TD’s and 250 yards. Not an off-the-charts day, but certainly not a dumpster fire either.

  1. What up, Holmes?

If you know even a bit of Raider history, then you know that when the late Al Davis ran the team, the Raider Way involved speed at the wideout position to develop the vertical game.

Tony Gonzales / Raiders.com
Tony Gonzales / Raiders.com

The Raiders have employed Olympic sprinters (Willie Gault, former 400m Olympic medalist), college track stars (Jacoby Ford was a sprinter at Clemson) and guys living in the ‘hood outrunning the cops after ripping off the corner mart (we won’t disrespect anyone here by naming names). Bottom line: that have traditionally liked dudes with speed. Granted, some of these guys didn’t quite have the greatest hands in the world. But who’s counting? Speed kills, or so Mr. Davis wholeheartedly believed.  Now along comes Andre Holmes, who is built more in the big-body and less burner receiver mold. Some within the Raider brass are comparing him to Brandon Marshall. Whatever the case, it appears Derek Carr has himself a legit #1 WR. Over his last two games, he’s had 9 catches, 3 TDs and is averaging over 23 fantasy PPG. Can he sustain this pace, Watson? I’m afraid he comes back to earth a bit.

  1. Justin Case You’re Hunting for a Sleeper

Staying with the young, big-play, big-build receiver theme, Justin Hunter is beginning to show signs that he can play in this league.

Derick E. Hingle / USA TODAY Sports
Derick E. Hingle / USA TODAY Sports

The past two weeks, he’s played over 93% of all Tennessee snaps and averaged nearly 15 fantasy points per game. On the year, the Redskins give up the 8th most fantasy points to WRs. If Checkdown Charlie—yes, I’ve just assigned my namesake, Clipboard Jesus a new nickname—doesn’t play, meaning Jake The Hurt Locker does play, Hunter’s chances for upping his fantasy numbers greatly increase. Until then, I’m afraid Justin Hunter is Justin Case.

  1. Justin Case You Want to Force It

So any guesses who the fifth correct name in this trivia question is? Name the five RBs who have scored at least 6 (standard) fantasy points per week thusfar this season. DeMarco Murray, Le’Veon Bell, Gio Bernard, Marshawn Lynch and—wait for it, wait for it—Justin Forsett.

Tommy Gilligan-USA TODAY Sports
Tommy Gilligan-USA TODAY Sports

Coming out of nowhere, literally, he began the year behind Ray Rice and Bernard Pierce. Forsett is on the field for nearly 60% of snaps, has averaged 14.5 touches per game and sits at #8 for fantasy RBs. Can he keep this up? Well, um, the Atlanta defense has given up 11 rushing touchdowns to opposing RBs this year; that’s 4 more than another other team. So, I’d say there’s a good chance he scores, and big, this Sunday.

  1. Fun in the Sun in the Desert

Assuming Carson Palmer can stay upright for a full four quarters, the arrow for that offense sure seems to be pointing directly up, at that Arizona sky. It’s amazing these Cardinals—with all the injuries and in that division—are an impressive 4-1 and sitting in first place. On a related note, isn’t it ironic how well Bruce Arians is doing in his ‘retirement’? If you’re not familiar, definitely check this out:

And now we return to our regularly scheduled program. In spite of the fact that the Cardinals, employing three different starting QBs this year, still have not thrown an INT … Palmer absolutely makes that offense tick. His presence all the offensive weapons fantasy-relevant.

  1. Miller the Killer in South Beach?

Now that Knowshon’s No More Tears routine sadly will not be renewed for the remainder of this season, the Miami backfield should now wholly belong to Lamar Miller.

Steve Mitchell / US Presswire
Steve Mitchell / US Presswire

What will he make of it? Miller didn’t beat out Daniel Thomas last season when presented the opportunity. He’s averaging 16 touches per game, currently at #13 among fantasy RBs (PPR) at 75.3 total points. Those numbers would most certainly appear to continue trending up. I say he ends up a Top 12 RB on the year – both standard and PPR. And this week, at Chicago? Yeah, let’s go ahead and start off ROS with a bang by blowing up against the Bears. Lamar may found himself have a new nickname, Miller the Killer.


Eats

For my culinary friends, and in honor of National Pasta Day—what, you didn’t know that was today, October 17? I mark it on my calendar every year—I’m recommending you whip out your rigatoni, cavatappi, gnocci, rigate, rotini, tortellini or ziti. Or for those of us less refined, I’ll just take my Kraft Mac n’ Cheese in a box, microwave that bad boy and pop open a Bud Light.

So, whether you’re a ‘foodie’ or a ‘fast foodie’, until next week … stay strong, show kindness and have NO RAGRETS.

[NOTE: This week’s NFL and PPR fantasy stats courtesy of eDraft.com.]


Jay Marks is the Fantasy Football Lead for The Scoop. Follow him on Twitter at @FFHottieAsst.