Tag Archives: Ashton Kutcher

10 Possible Replacements for Arian Foster

She’s back. We honestly can’t get rid of her. She keeps showing up on our doorstep, trying to look through the peephole to see if we’re home. We think she might also be following us around town. We figure if she’s gonna be here, might as well let her keep writing. That’s right, Diane Sevenay has another very serious and factual sports breakdown to share.


I’m not sure who received worse news about his groin this week, Arian Foster or Lenny Kravitz.  But while all Kravitz needs to do is buy a pair of pants that fit, the Houston Texans have a much tougher road ahead as they attempt to replace Foster.  Reports say that Pierre Thomas turned down the Texans’ offer to join their backfield, and this leaves Houston with only a 14-year-old girl and a department-store mannequin to play running back this year.  However, there can be help on the way if the Texans decide to bring in one of these possible replacements:

1. Ashton Kutcher – If he replaced Charlie Sheen, he can replace Arian Foster.

Us Magazine
Us Magazine

2. OJ Simpson – Pros: Outstanding slasher with a killer instinct. Cons: He’s a 68-year-old man who’s currently in prison.

Splash News
Splash News

3. Ronda Rousey – Who in their right mind would attempt to tackle Ronda Rousey?  Sign her, Houston, or she’ll beat you up.

Associated Press
Associated Press

4. Jason Pierre-Paul’s index finger – This finger was an NFL star once, and it could be again if given an opportunity.

jason-pierre-paul-happy-gilmore

5. Rudy – Could there be a better story than RUDY leading the Texans to the Super Bowl?  Yes, Rudy Ruettiger is a 66-year-old man who wasn’t very good at football when he played at Notre Dame in the 1970s, but nothing can stop this guy once he sets his mind to something.

RudyRuettiger.co
RudyRuettiger.co

6. Michael Strahan – Since joining “LIVE with Kelly and Michael,” this former NFL superstar has had people saying, “Regis who?”

Us Magazine
Us Magazine

7. Groot – He’d be the first sentient tree in the NFL.  Make this happen, Texans.

Marvel Studios
Marvel Studios

8. Donald Trump – He swears he’ll make America great.  Why not start with Houston?

LM Otero
LM Otero

9. Jim Thorpe – Pros: Thorpe is one of history’s greatest athletes and football players. Cons: He has been dead for over 60 years.

Sioux City Journal
Sioux City Journal

10. Batman – He’s not the hero Houston deserves, but the one it needs right now.

DC Entertainment
DC Entertainment

Diane Sevenay, a friend to The Scoop, is a writer and comedian who claims that she “invented the Internet.”  Follow her immediately on Twitter at @diane_7a or face dire consequences.

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Plays (Fantasy Football) Well With Others

USA Today
USA Today

That noted philosopher Jay Mohr–yes, that Jay Mohr–has eloquently stated:

Fantasy football is not only a good thing, but a great thing.

Thank you, Mr. Mohr. If that’s not a reason to go watch Gary, Unmarried and give it another chance. Wait, on second thought …

So just how popular is this fantasy football phenomenon? According to the Fantasy Sports Trade Association, more than 30 million people play the game annually. Still millions more participate in daily leagues—essentially a sort of street junkie’s version of fantasy football. On steroids. While drinking a Red Bull.

That’s a lot of folks trash-talking and eating bad draft party snacks, and one unfortunate brah picking the just-recently-retired-because-of-chronic-injury David Wilson as his backup RB because he saw Wilson do that ‘cool backflip that time’. I mean … there are less than 30 million people who inhabit entire countries. Countries like Australia, the Netherlands and Burkina Faso. [Yeah, I’ve not heard of that last one either. But, I’m willing to bet you one of Peyton’s Papa Johns pepperoni pizzas that there’s some Burkinabe dude Googling “Fantasy Football TE rankings.” Right. Now. And yes, Burkinabe is the accurate way to refer to the natives. I do my homework, people.]

So who are some of these 30 million fake football managers?

Well, NFL.com had a celebrity FF league last year which included personalities like Jerry O’Connell, Bobby Flay, Jerry Ferrara (a self-proclaimed “junkie”) and more.

Last year, Ashton Kutcher fessed up to assigning an underling to handle analysis and research for his fantasy teams. Now that’s commitment. I think. In a hand-me-down, pass-the-buck sort of way. Don’t know about you, but I want that gig.

So what do you do?

ME: I advise Ashton Kutcher.

Very cool. Financial advisor?

ME: Um, no. I help him decide if Tom Brady or Tony Romo sits.

Excuse me?

Heck, even other professional athletes are aboard the train. Clayton Kershaw, MLB pitcher extraordinaire—you might have heard of him—is actually one of the co-engineers of this Fantasy Football Train. He’s on record estimating that “… 40 to 50 percent of MLB players are playing fantasy football.” And we’ve heard legendary tales of NFL players drafting and starting themselves on their teams. Hello there, Chad Johnson, wide receiver formerly known as Chad Ochocinco.

But perhaps the tell-tale sign for reaching the pinnacle of industry popularity and mainstream culture culminates when the Mannings (Mr. Omaha—with that trademark red helmet spot on the forehead, and the little bro—he of the pained sideline facial expressions) join forces with DirecTV to promote their shiny new toy, the NFL Sunday Ticket’s new Fantasy Zone Channel. And bonus points for all of us … Peyton and Eli rapping. Again.

So, how ‘bout you? Go for it. Step up to the plate. Join a league or three. Yes, we’re promoting the age-old Be a Sheep, Not a Shepherd philosophy here. [I’m officially championing that hashtag now, #SheepNotShepherd. Join the revolution, friends.] Remember all those times your mom admonished you with the “If your friends jumped off a cliff, would you follow?” speech? Well, there ARE 30 million people who play fantasy football. That nearly constitutes “everybody’s doing it,” right? Who needs individuality? Be like the others. Follow the crowd.

Maybe you’re saying you don’t have a pair of Cy Young Awards on your mantle. You may not be a semi-humorous former SNL’er. Or the former Mr. Demi Moore. But you should play fantasy football. Sure, the critics or uninformed or your girlfriend will criticize by saying it’s not real football. Or not even really managing a football team. I’ve heard it before, my friends. People have said to—or dare I say, screamed at—me, “Hello … it’s FAKE football!” But hear me out. The benefits are obvious and rewarding, if not even just a skosh self-serving.

Camaraderie. Perhaps even some financial incentive, if you’re lucky AND good. Pride. Maybe some solid food and adult beverages will flow at league gatherings. And then there’s the obvious, overriding reasoning. You get to group text all your buddies / leaguemates at 2am with your own version of “TJ Who’s Your Momma, Bitches! Championship!”

If you’ve not watched this clip, stop what you’re doing immediately and spend 30 seconds making your life better. It will certainly get your fantasy juices flowing. Fantasy football juices flowing. Ahem.

 

Jay Marks is the Sports Lead for Fantasy Football at The Scoop. Follow him on Twitter at @FFHottieAsst.