Tag Archives: injury

10 Possible Replacements for Arian Foster

She’s back. We honestly can’t get rid of her. She keeps showing up on our doorstep, trying to look through the peephole to see if we’re home. We think she might also be following us around town. We figure if she’s gonna be here, might as well let her keep writing. That’s right, Diane Sevenay has another very serious and factual sports breakdown to share.


I’m not sure who received worse news about his groin this week, Arian Foster or Lenny Kravitz.  But while all Kravitz needs to do is buy a pair of pants that fit, the Houston Texans have a much tougher road ahead as they attempt to replace Foster.  Reports say that Pierre Thomas turned down the Texans’ offer to join their backfield, and this leaves Houston with only a 14-year-old girl and a department-store mannequin to play running back this year.  However, there can be help on the way if the Texans decide to bring in one of these possible replacements:

1. Ashton Kutcher – If he replaced Charlie Sheen, he can replace Arian Foster.

Us Magazine
Us Magazine

2. OJ Simpson – Pros: Outstanding slasher with a killer instinct. Cons: He’s a 68-year-old man who’s currently in prison.

Splash News
Splash News

3. Ronda Rousey – Who in their right mind would attempt to tackle Ronda Rousey?  Sign her, Houston, or she’ll beat you up.

Associated Press
Associated Press

4. Jason Pierre-Paul’s index finger – This finger was an NFL star once, and it could be again if given an opportunity.

jason-pierre-paul-happy-gilmore

5. Rudy – Could there be a better story than RUDY leading the Texans to the Super Bowl?  Yes, Rudy Ruettiger is a 66-year-old man who wasn’t very good at football when he played at Notre Dame in the 1970s, but nothing can stop this guy once he sets his mind to something.

RudyRuettiger.co
RudyRuettiger.co

6. Michael Strahan – Since joining “LIVE with Kelly and Michael,” this former NFL superstar has had people saying, “Regis who?”

Us Magazine
Us Magazine

7. Groot – He’d be the first sentient tree in the NFL.  Make this happen, Texans.

Marvel Studios
Marvel Studios

8. Donald Trump – He swears he’ll make America great.  Why not start with Houston?

LM Otero
LM Otero

9. Jim Thorpe – Pros: Thorpe is one of history’s greatest athletes and football players. Cons: He has been dead for over 60 years.

Sioux City Journal
Sioux City Journal

10. Batman – He’s not the hero Houston deserves, but the one it needs right now.

DC Entertainment
DC Entertainment

Diane Sevenay, a friend to The Scoop, is a writer and comedian who claims that she “invented the Internet.”  Follow her immediately on Twitter at @diane_7a or face dire consequences.

Advertisements

Dave’s Darts: A Chat With Tony Romo’s Back

stock-photo-back-pain-backache-61626427

Hi, everyone. It’s me, Tony Romo’s back.

I actually have a name. Clarence.

I know, not your everyday name. But I like it.

Everyone sure is curious how I’m doing. The best I can come up with is “kinda okay”.

Tony’s wife tickled me the other day and I seized up and Tony grabbed a stack of red pills and swallowed them and 15 minutes later I was out of it and trying to drunk text Jessica Simpson’s back.

I think it would be great if Tony would wear a Red Cross jersey during the games so the defense stays away from me.

Anywho, just thought you would want to put a name to the back.

Hope I hold up. Almost out of duct tape.

 

Dave Little is a Sports Contributor at The Scoop. Follow him on Twitter at @imdavelittle.