Diane Sevenay returns, reluctantly, to share a filthy, yet factual, account of LeSean McCoy‘s party lifestyle. Well, at least we think it’s factual. Hell, it’s probably not. Eff it. We need the page views. We should probably also warn you about a couple of mature topics within this article. Don’t read this to your kiddies before naptime. Or ever, really.
The Buffalo Bills traded for running back LeSean “Shady” McCoy to bring a little “heat” to their backfield. However, this week’s news was not what the Bills had in mind. Multiple media outlets reported that McCoy posted an invitation to a private “females only” party, and the general response was disgust. Well, not to brag or anything, but I happened to attend McCoy‘s party last year, so maybe I could shine a light on what “Shady” is all about.
I received the invitation last July. Females only? That could mean only one thing: ORGY. Of course I was interested. I put on my best orgy outfit, laced up my fanciest orgy shoes, and I put on my prettiest orgy smile. I was totally ready to put more than several penises inside me. Yup, it was just like any Saturday night.
So, I get there, and there’s more security than I’ve ever seen. I have to give them several DNA samples, some “stem cells,” and all of my Social Security and banking information. This was a small price to pay for what was to be the wildest night of my life.
I can remember walking into the club; you could only imagine what I saw. Women as far as the eye can see, doing things that I didn’t even know existed…Spa treatments, facials, homeopathic massage. There was an omelette station that featured fresh organic kale. A Pilates class was in full swing. Sara Bareilles played piano. And in the center of it all, LeSean McCoy released a flock of doves flying in a formation that spelled out the word “FEMALE.”
I soon found myself exchanging recipes with former U.S. Secretary of State Madeliene Albright and Barbara Walters. I enjoyed a soy latte with Angelina Jolie. I was transfixed when Hillary Clinton took the stage and spoke about female empowerment. I laughed uncontrollably at the comedic stylings of Ellen DeGeneres. Then I finally I got what I came for: a little one-on-one time with LeSean McCoy.
He told me his heroes were Susan B. Anthony, Gloria Steinem, and his mother. He said that his nickname “Shady” came from how he loved to pick flowers on a shady autumn day. He said that he wished men could become pregnant; he yearned to have a life grow inside him. He read from his favorite Maya Angelou poem, and I held him as he wept.
I can only hope the young women who attend this year’s party have the same transcendent experience I was lucky enough to have. There is no more important feminist icon today than LeSean “Shady” McCoy.
Diane Sevenay, a friend to The Scoop, is a writer and comedian who claims that she “invented the Internet.” Follow her immediately on Twitter at @diane_7a or face dire consequences.