Unless you’re living under a rock, you’ve probably heard that Tom Brady‘s four-game suspension has been upheld by the NFL. Love him or hate him, we’ll miss Brady when he’s not on the field. But let’s see this from Brady‘s point of view. Every September since he was a young boy, he has been living and breathing football. What is he going to do without an extremely deflated football in his hand and a game to win? How can he fill this emptiness in his heart? What can Tom Brady do while serving his suspension?
1. Be obscenely and arrogantly wealthy. This will be pretty easy for you to accomplish, Tom. Instead of buying a car, buy 15. Why just settle for a swimming pool that wraps around your house when you can also have one in your kitchen? Or two…
2. Sleep with your ridiculously good-looking model wife. You know you want to, Tom. Now’s your chance!
3. Run for public office. Do I see a Trump-Brady ticket in your future?
4. Get a makeover. A new hairstyle and a snazzy new wardrobe can add up to a WHOLE NEW Tom Brady.
5. Write the great American novel. I’m thinking Gronk fan fiction. Because EVERYONE loves Gronk fan fiction.
6. Take up another sport. You’re already the Michael Jordan of football. Now be the Michael Jordan of BASEBALL!
7. Start filming “Ted 3.” According to Ted the teddy bear, “Tom Brady is a f*cking wicked awesome actor.”
8. Start a feud with Drake and/or Nicki Minaj. You know you want to, Tom…
9. Write season 3 of “True Detective.” Because it can’t be any worse than season 2.
10. Learn how to stop cheating at football. I know it’s going to be tough, but you can do it. I think…
Diane Sevenay, a friend to The Scoop, is a writer and comedian who claims that she “invented the Internet.” Follow her immediately on Twitter at @diane_7a or face dire consequences.